Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Jokes On Banking

Managerial Mishaps
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax.
The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens.
The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager, "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered, "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions!"

Johny Johny... YES PAPA! 
Job in bank..YES PAPA!
Lot of Tension...YES PAPA!
Too Much Work...YES PAPA!

Family Life.. NO PAPA!
Yearly Bonus.. JOKE PAPA!
Annual Pay.. LOWEST PAPA!
Personal Life.. LOST PAPA!
Promotion Incentive.. HA!HA! HA!

एक बैंक बिल्कुल जेल के सामने था एक दिन बैंक के सेफ का लॉक नही खुल रहा था बैंक वालों ने हर तरह कोशिश की मैकनिक बुलाये पर फिर भी वे सेफ का लॉक नही खोल पाए। 

तब बैंक मैनेजर ने जेल में जाकर कैदियों से मदद मांगी एक कैदी सेफ का लॉक खोलने के लिए तैयार हो गया। 

उसे पुलिस सुरक्षा में बाहर लाया गया और उसने थोड़ी ही देर में बिना किसी तोड़फोड़ के सेफ खोल दिया। 

बैंक मैनेजर उसके उस कारनामे से बहुत खुश हुआ।

मैनेजर ने सेफ खोलने वाले कैदी से कहा, "मैं आपसे बहुत खुश हूँ, आपने बिना किसी क्षति के सेफ खोल दिया आप बताईये की इस काम के लिए हम आपको कितने रूपए दें।"

सेफ खोलने वाले कैदी ने कहा, "पिछली बार तो जब मैंने ऐसा ही एक सेफ खोला था तो मुझे 10 लाख रूपए मिले थे तभी तो मैं यहाँ हूँ।"

One lady customer forgot her
handkerchief on the counter. The newly
recruited counter clerk inadvertently put
stamp after stamp on the handkerchief.
The lady customer returned to the
Branch to collect her favourite handkerchief only to find that the
handkerchief has been branded with
stamp all over. Annoyed she visited the
Branch Manager to lodge her complaint.
The Branch Manager reversed the
handkerchief and put the master stamp "ALL OUR STAMPS CANCELLED, BRANCH

Customer - Agar mai aaj cheque jama karu to wo kab clear hoga?

Clerk - 3 din me.

Customer - Dono bank amne-samne hai fir b itna samay Q ?

Clerk - Sir PROCEDURE to FOLLOW karna padta hai na. 

Socho agar aap Shamshan ke bahar hi mar gaye, to aapko pahle ghar lekar jayenge ya wahin nipta denge ?

Customer behosh.....

 Government Servants- BANKER, DOCTOR and SCIENTIST Boat me jaa rahe the, 1 jinn aya or bola samundar me koi chij feko agr mene dhund Li to me tumhe mar dunga varna me tumhara gulam.

Doctor ne needle fekhi jin ne dhunda n use maar dia, SCIENTIST ne memory card feka, jin ne dhunda n use b maar dia.

BANKER ne disprin feki aur wo paani mein ghul gayi

BANKER bola chal beta BRANCH chal bahut kaam pendng hai..
Closing ka kaam karna hai..

Moral: DON't play with BANKERS they can manage any situation.

Sometimes we need to step back and laugh at the world.  A little humor can only make things better.  Here are some jokes about Bankers and Banking guaranteed to make your day better.  Enjoy!
1. What’s the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim.
2. What do a banker and a slinky have in common?
They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
3. What’s the difference between a banker and a trampoline?
You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline.
4. I went to my bank to discuss a loan.  The bank manager said: “Certainly, sir.  How much can you lend us?”
5. What’s the difference between a banker and a haddock?
One’s cold and slimy, the other’s a fish.
6. How do you stop a banker from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
7. A man went into a bank and said to the cashier: “Will you check my balance?”  So she pushed him.
8. What’s the difference between a banker and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
9. What does a banker use for birth control?
His personality.
10. Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.  Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
11. My bank sent back a cheque with a note saying “insufficient funds”.  Them or me?
12. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only two tellers?
13. What’s the difference between a banker and a sperm?
A sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of turning into a human being.
14. What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead banker in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
15. Why did the post office have to recall a series of stamps depicting famous bankers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
16.If a banker and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

The best joke of this year :

Ek baar ek Bank Employee ek tailor ke paas apni trouser silwaane ke liye kapda lekar gayaa aur apna measurement dene ke baad bola ki iski trouser banaa do, ekdum latest fashion waali.

Yeh sunkar tailor bola ki aap iska "salwaar" kyon nahin banwaa lete, woh zyaada better rahegi aur aapko cost of stitching bhi kaafi kam lagegi.

Yeh sun kar Bank Employee gusse mein aa gaya aur tailor se bola ki kya bakwaas kar rahe ho ??
Main yahaan apne liye trouser silwaane aaya hoon, na ki koi salwaar ???

Tailor ne jawaab diya, " fir kal aapko kyaa ho gayaa thha, jab main aapke bank mein FD karwaane aaya thha, aur aapne un paiso se meri Life Insurance Policy kar di thhi ........!!!!!

Why Punjabis do well in any field…..

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Asia.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Mr. Singh

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Mr. Singh says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Mr. Singh says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays………. …

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.

500 people leave the room.

Mr. Singh says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room..

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak japanese to leave.

498 people leave the room.

Mr.singh says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of japanese but what do I have to lose?'

So he stays and finds himself with One other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak japanese, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Mr. Singh turns to the other candidate and says,

`Horr kiddan, ki haal chaal ne?

The other candidate answers

'Bas vadiya veere! tusi sunao

keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your Words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your Behavior.

Keep your behavior positive because your behaviour becomes your Habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your Values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your Destiny....

Keep smiling ever !!!

If you work as duty it is slavery

But If you work with joy it is pleasure, 

Whatever work you are allotted 
you should perform with full involvement 
and full enjoyment , 
you will never get tired and always remain 
energetic and effective and 
you will be praised by all.

एक गांव में कुछ मजदूर पत्थर के खंभे बना रहे थे।
उधर से एक साधु गुजरे। 

उन्होंने एक मजदूर से पूछा-
यहां क्या बन रहा है? 

उसने कहा- देखते नहीं पत्थर
काट रहा हूं? 

साधु ने कहा- हां, देख तो रहा हूं। लेकिन
यहां बनेगा क्या? 

मजदूर झुंझला कर बोला- मालूम
नहीं। यहां पत्थर तोड़ते- तोड़ते जान निकल रही है
और इनको यह चिंता है कि यहां क्या बनेगा। 

साधु आगे बढ़े। एक दूसरा मजदूर मिला। साधु ने पूछा-
यहां क्या बनेगा? 

मजदूर बोला- देखिए साधु बाबा,
यहां कुछ भी बने। चाहे मंदिर बने या जेल, मुझे क्या।
मुझे तो दिन भर की मजदूरी के रूप में १०० रुपए मिलते
हैं। बस शाम को रुपए मिलें और मेरा काम बने। मुझे
इससे कोई मतलब नहीं कि यहां क्या बन रहा है। 

साधु आगे बढ़े तो तीसरा मजदूर मिला। साधु ने उससे पूछा-
यहां क्या बनेगा? 

मजदूर ने कहा- मंदिर। इस गांव में
कोई बड़ा मंदिर नहीं था। इस गांव के लोगों को दूसरे
गांव में उत्सव मनाने जाना पड़ता था। मैं भी इसी गांव
का हूं। ये सारे मजदूर इसी गांव के हैं। मैं एक- एक
छेनी चला कर जब पत्थरों को गढ़ता हूं
तो छेनी की आवाज में मुझे मधुर संगीत सुनाई
पड़ता है। मैं आनंद में हूं। 

कुछ दिनों बाद यह मंदिर बन
कर तैयार हो जाएगा और यहां धूमधाम से पूजा होगी।
मेला लगेगा। कीर्तन होगा। मैं यही सोच कर मस्त
रहता हूं। मेरे लिए यह काम, काम नहीं है। मैं
हमेशा एक मस्ती में रहता हूं। मंदिर बनाने
की मस्ती में। मैं रात को सोता हूं तो मंदिर
की कल्पना के साथ और सुबह जगता हूं तो मंदिर के
खंभों को तराशने के लिए चल पड़ता हूं। बीच- बीच में
जब ज्यादा मस्ती आती है तो भजन गाने लगता हूं।
जीवन में इससे ज्यादा काम करने का आनंद
कभी नहीं आया। 

साधु ने कहा- यही जीवन का रहस्य
है मेरे भाई। बस नजरिया का फर्क है। कोई काम
को बोझ समझ रहा है और पूरा जीवन झुंझलाते और
हाय- हाय करते बीत जाता है। लेकिन कोई काम
को आनंद समझ कर जीवन का लुत्फ ले रहा है।

एक महिला स्थानीय बैंक में मैनेजर के पास ऋण स्वीकृत कराने हेतु पहुँची। मैनेजर ने ऋण का प्रयोजन पूछा। 

महिला: मैं अपने पति से तलाक ले रही हूँ, इसलिए मुझे लोन चाहिए।

मैनेजर: परंतु हमारे यहाँ ऐसी कोई स्कीम नहीं है। हाँ, यदि आप चाहें तो हम आपको गाड़ी खरीदने, मकान खरीदने, गृह सुधार हेतु, किसी व्यवसाय हेतु या घर के सामान खरीदने हेतु लोन दे सकते हैं।

महिला: मेरे ख्याल से मेरा प्रयोजन गृह सुधार स्कीम में आता है।

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